And so we proudly present
Jul. 27th, 2003 08:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lady_t_220Take a drink:
every time Logan comes home (1)
-- then runs away again (2)
-- on the same day (2)
-- within an hour of each other (3)
every time Logan cries (1)
-- makes Rogue cry (1)
-- makes Cyke cry - inadvertently (2)
-- or on purpose (3)
every time Rogue becomes upset because Logan ran away again (1)
-- or had an affair with Jean (1)
-- or forgot her birthday (3)
every time someone calls Cyke "Scooter" (1)
-- to his face (1)
-- and he doesn't complain about it (1)
every time Jean becomes an irrational, attention-seeking bitch (small sips, people... very small sips)
-- who's handily just broken up with Scott (1)
every time Jean remembers removing Logan's clothing while he was unconscious (1)
every time that Logan scrubs up nicely (1)
-- or shaves off his sideburns (2)
-- while wearing a tuxedo (3)
every time Logan wears something unlikely, like a cashmere sweater (1)
-- or satin boxers (2)
every time Nightcralwer says "Mein Got" (1)
-- or Gambit calls someone "Chere" (1)
every time Beast explains something using unlikely, incomprehensible or just plain wrong scientific reasoning (1)
every time Storm is found weeding/planting/watering/pruning the rose bushes (1)
-- while naked (2)
-- in the middle of the night (3)
-- while contemplating her pathetic love life (4)
every time there is poetry (1)
-- or songfic (finish the bottle in the hopes of drowning the pain)
every time someone declares their love through the medium of karaoke (2)
every time Logan gets married (1)
every time Logan chooses a surname that reflects hunting (1)
-- or Laughlin City (2)
every time Logan realises he's old enough to be the heroine's father (1)
-- grandfather (2)
-- too old for anybody and also a death-magnet (3)
every time Logan seems to suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder (2)
every time Logan stays at a really crappy hotel (1)
-- with dirty sheets (1)
-- and orange decor (2)
-- while he stares at the ceiling broodily (2)
-- and thinks about having illicit sex with Rogue (3)
every time someone gives birth (2)
-- and has unreasonable complications (1)
-- or a near-death experience (2)
-- while still maintaining an immaculate hairstyle (4)
every time Logan has a son called Brendan, Brandon, Braedan or any variation on a similar theme (2)
-- a son called Hugh (3)
-- a daughter called Anna (4)
-- or both (someone please shoot me... then finish the bottle)
every time one of Logan's kids gets breast-fed (1)
-- abducted (2)
-- exhibits kleptomaniac tendencies (3)
-- or speaks with a lisp (2)
every time an OC mutant with no real powers ends up in the mansion (1)
-- just so Logan can have sex with her (1)
-- and cause a love triangle (2)
every time an OC mutant somehow manages to defeat the X-Men's arch enemy (1)
-- or the X-Men themselves (1)
-- single handed (2)
-- despite their singular lack of useful talents (3)
-- yet still manages to die at the end of the story (1)
every time someone goes on an unspecified "mission" (1)
-- and gets abducted (2)
every time a fic starts "I don't speak English so forgive me" (2)
every time Logan "chuckles" (2 and buy the author a thesaurus)
every time Logan has a steak and beer (1)
-- even when he's dinning at Macdonald's (2)
every time Rogue wanders down to a pool (1)
-- or wears a bikini (2)
every time we are reminded that Rogue's skin is DEADLY (1)
every time a story involves a brooding Logan (1)
-- brooding Rogue (2)
-- brooding Jean (3)
-- or brooding Scott (10 - unless it's a Minisoo fic, when it doesn't count)
every time Professor X and Magneto are revealed as having had an illicit love affair (1)
-- or are still having one (1)
-- purely as a means to create angst (2)
every time Logan has a hissy fit and destroys the Danger Room (1)
-- while secretly being watched by someone (1)
-- who gets turned on by his martial arts ability (2)
-- or sweat (3)
every time Rogue loses her memory and ends up being called Anna until she remembers who she is (3)
every time someone writes Logan's accent ALL the way through the story (3)
-- instead of Rogue's (5)
every time Logan wears cut off denim shorts (1)
-- while cleaning a pool (2)
-- fixing an engine (2)
-- working out (2)
-- or strutting (3)
every time Rogue ends up being a prostitute (2)
-- and Logan is her pimp (3)
-- or sugar daddy (4)
-- and they end up re-enacting the plot from "Pretty Woman" (5)
-- "Runaway Bride" (7)
-- "An Officer And A Gentleman" (10)
-- or any other film involving Richard Gere (finish the bottle)
every time someone thinks that Logan's ugly and hairy and looks like an animal (1)
-- but yet still find themself strangely attracted to him (1)
every time Logan gets tied up (1)
-- for a reason that doesn't involve sex (4)
every time a female character wears satin or lace panties during a sex scene (1)
every time a female character wears big white granny panties during a sex scene (This never happens)
every time that Logan has to adjust himself (1)
-- because his erection was instantaneous (2)
-- or constant (3)
every time Logan says anything along the lines of "It's your first time. This might hurt a bit, baby" (1)
-- and as a result, the virgin heroine feels a pinch (1)
-- a stab (2)
-- orgasms instantly (4)
every time Logan decides to wait till the honeymoon (2)
every time the lovers have to sit back and wait a bit for her to "adjust" (1)
every time anyone's nipples "pucker" (2)
-- or become pebbles (1)
every time someone has mood-killing discussion about contraception in the middle of a sex scene (2)
-- or the author makes sure to mention there was no contraception (1)
-- and it results in an unplanned pregnancy (1)
-- or an STD (5)
every time someone becomes pregnant on the honeymoon (2)
every time a sheet or silk is involved while having sex with Rogue (1)
every time someone tries to make the idea of having sex while wearing tights erotic (1)
every time a seam rips (1)
every time anyone's tights/panties/bra/boxer shorts get cut (1)
-- with something other than Logan's claws (4)
every time Logan removes a waterlogged pair of panties from somebody (1)
every time someone "explodes" (1)
every time Logan gets turned on by fleecy school-girl PJs (2)
every time Logan has to "not listen to his inner animal" (3)
every time Logan loses control of himself (1)
-- and sexually molests a woman (2)
-- an underage boy (4)
-- or Cyke (2)
every time we find out that Cyke is actually a lot tougher than we all thought (2)
-- and gay (finish the bottle)
every time Logan suddenly reveals that he's bisexual (2)
-- just in time to explain away an unlikely, homoerotic, 3-in-a-bed sex romp (4)
every time any piece of anatomy "drools" (2)
-- or springs free (3)
-- and is accompanied by a comical sound effect (stop drinking long enough to flame the author)
every time anyone masturbates "wildly" (4)
every time Logan howls like a dog/wolf/generalised wild animal when he has an orgasm (1)
every time anyone mentions hairy balls (1)
-- or uses the term "furred scrotum" (3)
every time one of the following words are used: manhood, rod, purple, throbbing or slapping against buttocks (2)
every time anyone comes by the gallon (2)
-- or the bucketful (1)
every time anyone tastes their own "juice" (1)
-- and decides that it's delicious (2)
every time anyone makes mention of Logan's hairy butt-cheeks (2)
-- and then digs their fingers into them (3)
-- and expects us to find this erotic (4)
every time you find all of these clichés in one single story (Stop reading right now, it's both a sign of the apocalypse and the end of literature as we know it. Grab as many well-written books as you can carry and head for the underground shelter... And don't forget to bring the rest of your drink.)
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no subject
Date: 2003-07-27 02:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-27 02:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-27 02:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-27 02:38 pm (UTC)Ah, the fun that can be had ripping apart a bad smut story...
MWUAHAHA
Date: 2003-07-27 06:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-27 10:29 pm (UTC)this is going into my memories, so i can print it later, and use later, like when i really need to get drunk off my ass. and then some.
wee.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-27 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-28 07:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-28 07:58 am (UTC)You should try it, it's fun. It makes bad fics bearable. :p
no subject
Date: 2003-07-28 10:08 am (UTC)