lady_t_220

Dear Sir,

I am writing this in response to your recent stay at the Charnwood Lodge Guest House.
On behalf of all the staff currently working at the lodge I would like to address certain matters which have come to our attention.
It is sad to say that we feel betrayed by you, Sir. You conduct all this week has been of the highest order, a situation that led us to grow strangely fond of you as a guest. You were neat and clean, never spilled tea down the furniture, in fact we began to view you with the special type of fondness we reserve especially for your fellow German countrymen. We believed that you understood the fine and fragile relationship between guest and cleaner, and that you understood our respective positions in this endeavour.
But sir, I fear that you fooled us, and as a result of the events whoch took place in room six last night we would like you to be aware of the fact that we will never forgive you for this transgression. Do not believe, Sir, that this is a statement made in jest or dramatic fervour. We will never forgive you.
Personally, I am appauled that you not only disgraced yourself in such a fashion, but that you also tarnished to so far impeccable reputation of your homeland. But mostly, sir, we just feel like we have been cheated, that such an affable front was merely a mask, hiding an interior equal to, if not worse than that which we have come to expect of the Spanish.
For, my dear Sir, even the greasy Spanish bastards managed to make it to the bathroom.

Enclosed with this letter is a bill for the therapy required for our manageress, a woman of weak constitution who was deeply traumatised by the duties of laundering your sheets, as well as a voodoo doll representative of yourself, stuffed full of large, gothic hat pins.
We strongly recomend that you do not remove the doll from the jar of pickle juice, as doing so will result in your immediate death.

In closing I would also like to take this opportunity to remind you that fitted valances are not intended to be used as towels and to advise you for future referance that the only scent we have ever discovered that is strong enough to overwhelm the distinctive resultant odour is Amway's Alpine Field, a cannister of which we found lurking under the sink from some time in 1987.

Sincerely,
Lodge Cleaning Staff